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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24630598">every minute and every hour (i miss you, i miss you, i miss you more)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/happypuppys/pseuds/happypuppys'>happypuppys</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Book 4: The Raven King, Late Night Conversations, Talking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:42:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,088</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24630598</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/happypuppys/pseuds/happypuppys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s hard going through the rest of your life when your best friend is dead.</p><p>or,</p><p>Adam doesn't know what to do</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Henry Cheng &amp; Adam Parrish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>every minute and every hour (i miss you, i miss you, i miss you more)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>im sorry jamie and layla</p><p>set during the raven king</p><p>title from good grief by bastille</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s hard going through the rest of your life when your best friend is dead.</p><p>It hasn’t even been a day yet, but Adam can’t help but feel that he shouldn’t be numb anymore. He’s done more when things worse than this happened, but then again, it wasn’t someone he was close to. It wasn’t someone that he’s seen more often than not in these last few years. It wasn’t someone he told some of his closest secrets to. It wasn’t someone that he <em> loved </em>.</p><p>It wasn’t Gansey.</p><p>When he tries to sleep, all he sees is Gansey, laying dead on the highway, as the blood disappears and his sweater lays limp, not moving with his body, because there is no heart left to beat. There is no life left in him. There was nothing for them to do, no way for them to save them, because Cabeswater creates life, never destroys, never repeats. Cabeswater certainly doesn’t bring life back.</p><p>All he sees is the four of them in the green grass, with no one knowing what to do, with Ronan crying and Blue’s cheeks still wet from a moment before, and Henry’s cheeks dry, never knowing how to react. Adam couldn’t focus, he couldn’t cry, not yet, and so they had all sat there, loss. Normally, they could find some way to help Gansey, they could find a way without him, but it’s tough to think of a way or even begin to try and help someone when they’re dead body is sitting in the grass.</p><p>He sees him changing from standing to sitting, because he doesn’t know what to do. He sees his hands cover his face, and when he moves them again, he’s in his bed, with Henry sitting at his desk, his bee buzzing in a circle around his finger. It doesn’t even shock him, even though it should, and he only moves to rest his head back against his pillow.</p><p>“I don’t know what to do.” Henry tells him, and Adam listens, as the wind blows in the quietness of the room. “We were planning to go to Venezuela, y’know? Me, him, and Blue. If you or Ronan had wanted to come along as well, we would’ve gladly come back and taken you two. But just, we were still in the early stages of planning. We didn’t even have a plan, really. But just, we were talking about it, and then now he’s-” He stops, and they both know why he doesn’t want to continue with that sentence. “I didn’t even know him as long as you or Ronan did, but I feel ready to fight the world if it’ll bring him back.” Henry gives a laugh, but not for anything funny happening. “I’m just, sorry. Sorry for barging in here when I shouldn’t even be bothering you, but I don’t know where else to go.”</p><p>“It’s fine.” Adam says, finally, and they sit in the silence of the apartment, even as Adam gets up out of his bed and pads over to him, even as they hug and both agree that they can’t just stop because Gansey wouldn’t have wanted that, even as they cry, together. The apartment is still quiet as Adam shows Henry the few pictures he has of him and Gansey around the place, the few pictures that survived the wrath of his father, and the others that he has hidden underneath his bed, secret from everyone except himself.</p><p>It’s not a secret anymore, but Adam has learned that some things are just meant to not be secrets.</p><p>When he tries to sleep again the next night, he wakes up from the feeling of blood surrounding his hands and the sound of Ronan telling him it’s all his fault, to the sight of Henry sitting on the floor, playing cards in front of him, waiting. He sits on the floor quietly, and they play a game of go fish until the sun comes up again, until they’re both asleep, leaning on one another.</p><p>It becomes a pattern, until it’s a shock to find Henry not sitting on the floor or sitting at his desk or doing something, until Adam remembers that the funeral is that day, and his heart sinks lower to the ground. It becomes a pattern, until it’s not, and Adam finds Henry and Ronan outside his door, in the parking lot, and they all go in their suits and ties to pick up Blue, and they hold back their tears as Ronan pulls in and they stay together as they go in. </p><p>When Adam sleeps that night and wakes up after holding a knife and having Gansey’s body in front of him, he finds Henry with a book at his desk, and they talk. The pattern is different, because before when they would play games and make small talk as they do so, now they talk about things dearest to them and don’t try to distract themselves from these thoughts.</p><p>Sometimes, on these nights, Adam wishes we were still numb, but he <em> can’t </em>. He can’t be numb if he wants to talk about this. And sometimes, on these nights, when Henry speaks sadly and he doesn’t, he thinks he’s numb, but it’s hard to be numb when you cried at your best friends wedding and ruined the only good shirt you had on underneath.</p><p>It’s hard to say you're numb when some nights, when you wake up to no one in your room or in your place, you cry harder than you ever have before, because you can’t pull up a contact on your phone and press the call button and expect the person on the other side to answer, because that person is dead. It’s hard to say you’re numb when your shirt is wet most nights, and you have to crawl to the bathroom to throw up, and you have to do all the breathing exercises you can think of, because when you finally start to think you’re fine, you think of the fact that because of you, because you sacrificed yourself to Cabeswater, that you started the path that caused your best friend to sacrifice himself and die on a bloody road in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by his closest family.</p><p>It’s hard to say you’re numb when you can feel everything. It’s hard to say you’re numb when you can’t even do anything without thinking about the fact that your best friend is dead, and you can’t do anything about it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i have a tumblr!! <a href="https://jostensparrish.tumblr.com/">@jostensparrish</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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